Dear Dr. Hardy,
I was driving in my car at about 3 AM early Friday morning. I was making my way through the great state of Pensylvania. I began to tire so I stopped at a rest stop in Somerset. As I was walking back to my car, I became a victim of a random act of violence. I was attacked by a group of Quaker Bodybuilding Women. I think that there was five or six of them, I couldn't tell because it was dark and they were beating me down. I managed to knock one of their Quaker hats off before they beat me into submission.
They stuffed me into the trunk of my car. I tried screaming for help but nobody heard me. I'm not sure how long I was in the trunk exactly because they were playing bad rap music really loud. The rap and the strong stench of oatmeal made me pass out.
They left me for dead, dumping me along the road near Moundsville, West Virginia. Fortunately, I was found by a group of Hari Krishnas, who were walking down the road. They took me to their village in the mountains. Here, I was nursed back to health and they tried to convert me. I felt well enough to then catch a bus home. Of course, this wasn't until after the test had been given in class.